We Are LeBron....come on now..

This makes me feel bad for Cleveland..

PYSCH, I don't give a shit, he's practically already moving in next to my parents. Cleveland is getting desperate, we're making t-shirts.

Get LeBro Here NOW!!!

LeBron Spotted today in Highland Park, IL

WGN is reporting that LeBron James was spotted today looking at houses in Chicago's Northshore suburb, Highland Park. You Chicago Stoolies out there know that the Berto Center, where the bulls practice, is located in Deerfield, a neighboring town. I'm on this LeBron bandwagon like a fly on shit. Who the hell even said NJ was in the running? NY is defiantly out, Miami is a sleeper but unlikely, so I sense that LeBro (I'm trademarking that) will be crushing Chicago dogs and beefs in no time.

Defense Wins Games, Mustaches Win Championships

If one thing has been made clear thus far in the Stanley Cup Playoffs its that Coach Joel Quenneville's mustache is a force to be reckoned with. Nobody, not a single player or coach in this year's playoffs can even be compare. I'm actually surprised that more teams haven't mandated that their coach attempt to grow something similar, considering that the championship winning coaches in recent Chicago sports history have all had impeccable caterpillar lips (I'm not sure about Ozzie because his is technically part of a goatee, and I can't understand him when he's yelling his guala guala talk)

Its truly a mark of masculine accomplishment when you're able to grow a mustache that doesn't make you look like you drive a rape van. Not only does Coach Q's stache put him in the same category of Chicago's championship winning coaches, but it commands attention and respect from all who bear witness to it. Kinda reminds me of another powerfully authoritative mustache...


Who wants a mustache ride?

This Week's Theme: SIDE BOOB

This Was No Accident.

Wake Up With Marissa Miller.

What Gives El Pres?

I've been trying to friend El Pres for months now and this shit keeps coming up...El Pres has too many friends...hopefully he's at least reading this shit

World Cup Hooker Fest

Apparently prostitutes from all across the world are already showing up in South Africa in hopes of making a killing during June's World Cup. Now I don't know much about soccer or paying for sex for that matter, but apparently 40,000 hookers from as far away as Pakistan and Venezuela are coming South Africa for the enjoyment of the 500,000+ World Cup fans. Let's do the math; that's one trick for every 12.5 fans. That's a lot of hookers if you ask me. So I guess if you and a group of 11 buddies +1 paraplegic are planning on getting rowdy in Cape Town you'd better call dibs for first throw.

Something tells me the ladies of World Cup Hookerpalooza 2010 don't look as nice as this diamond cutting Argentinian woman

On our way to San Jose

The Hawks closed out the conference semi's in convincing fashion on Tuesday night and now face the #1 seeded San Jose Sharks, who barely edged the Hawks for home-ice advantage at the end of the season. If I were the Sharks I'd be a little worried considering the Hawks have dominated on the road this year tallying 23 wins in 41 regular season games (56%) and have won 5 of 6 away from home already this postseason. The HP Pavilion "Shark Tank" has been lauded as the hardest place to play in the NHL, but sorry if I just don't see it. All the Asian tech nerds and washed out NorCal hippies in the world won't have the Hawks shakin' in their skates, considering they play at the UC where you have to shank 6 crackheads just to get back to your car.

I'm a lot less concerned about an intimidating crown at the Shark Tank than I am about how the Hawks are going to entertain themselves in the one horse town they call San Jose. Honestly I've been to San Jose and I shit you not when I say that they close the city down before dusk. I'm pretty sure they have an Applebee's so I can only assume the boys will at least be eatin' good in the hood. Let's just hope that when the Bay Area faithful have all gone home to listen to Janis Joplin on vinyl or whack it to internet heresay about the new iphone our boys aren't trying to break the tension by rolling around in a limo with a bunch of pie wagons like they did back in January. Wouldn't want a repeat of this now would we Kaner?

Winners get the chicks,
Jocks Rule

I calls its likes I sees it

So the Cubs brought up highly touted minor league prospect Starlin Castro last week in order to hopefully spark some life into the quickly drowning team, but it seems the jury's still out on the league's youngest player. In his first game last Friday he went 2-5 at the plate with a HR and a 3B, and set an MLB record for 6 RBI's in his debut. Since then however, his play has been less than stellar, and this has the perpetually dense Cubs fans doubting the front office for bringing him up too soon. Personally I think he's playing exactly how he should, like a very talented 20 year old. That being said, its not the Cubs front office I don't trust but Starlin Castro himself, after all his name is just one additional letter from being quite possibly the most blatantly communist name of all time. Is he a spy? I don't know but we should probably waterboard him anyway and try and pawn it off as a "welcome to the big leagues" rookie initiaion. Better to be safe than sorry, right Joe McCarthy?

LeBron To The Bulls? Don't Tell KFC!!

All you Stoolies know KFC won't shut up about LBJ 'coming' to New York. We'll we gossip over here in Chicago as well and rumor has it he is interested in the Bulls, the city, and the roster. I guess we will find out if he stays or if he goes come July 1st. Tonight, after they lose to the Celtics in Boston (7pm ESPN), I will be scheming to get myself a Bulls LeBron jersey.

This ex-cop/murderer/media slut again?

May 12, 2010 (WLS Chicago) -- Drew Peterson's Harley-Davidson motorcycle is up for sale on eBay as he awaits his murder trial.

The asking price is $50,000. And Peterson may autograph the bike. The selling price almost the exact amount that his attorneys say is needed for trial costs.

Peterson is charged in the 2004 death of his third wife, Kathleen Savio.

Peterson's lawyers say finances are not the main factor in putting the Harley on sale. They say Peterson just doesn't expect to be riding the bike this summer.

As soon as I have more than $100 to my name I am going to buy a Harley, but defiantly not from this psycho.  We all know he has killed all 3 of his wives, I think its defiantly safe to say he will not be riding the bike this summer. Although he's a scum bag he does have some mediocre antics with the media.

Hockey Helper

This is embarrassing to admit but my building forces me to have dish network.  You know what that means? No comcast sports net, strange I know... I had to watch the Blackhawks take down the Canucks 5-1 Tuesday night on my computer..BUT a solution for all you out there who may have games blacked out, want to watch some strange soccer game, or don't even have a fucking TV but somehow have the internet. The link below will bring you to watch live sports and live TV shows.

http://atdhe.net/index.html

p.s. I'm obviously going to switch to comcast

Canada: America's Hat

As I have watched the Hawks smash the faces of the rest of the NHL this season well into the Stanley Cup Playoffs I can't help but notice the unenthusiastic reactions on the faces of those two-bit hacks in Canadian hockey stadiums across this continent while we're playing the Star Spangled Banner. Then after yawning through our national anthem they have a cute little sing-a-long to "Oh canada". Evidence of this load of bullfeathers can be seen in this video of the Blackhawks vs. Vancouver Canucks before game 3 of the recent playoff series. Fast forward to the 3:30 mark in the video if you don't want to watch some unnecessary warm up footage...

Now I'm an American, a god damn great one if I do say so myself, and in my expert opinion I think these Molson drinkers should be just a little more pumped that we allowed them to sing our national anthem. I understand the concept of an inferiority complex, and its inevitable that Canadians wake up every day feeling like the younger, less handsome brother while they watch Americans run shit and pull mad pussy all over town. I get it, it just doesn't feel fair, but that doesn't excuse them from showing a little respect. After all, they're only here because we let them.

Here's how real men sing the songs of their homeland, take some fucking notes Canada.

This following video was taken before the 1991 NHL All-Star game at Chicago Stadium. Watch and learn bitches...

By the way, your bacon is just ham,

Proud Chicgoan,
Even prouder American

Does This Look Like The Face Of A Kidnapper? A Pervert? And Even a Robber?

Defendant: Christine Williams

(Cook County Sheriff's Office photo / May 3, 2010)

Charge: Aggravated kidnapping. She was arrested for kidnapping a woman and locking her in a room, then stripping off her clothes, wrapping a belt around her neck and forcing her to crawl like a dog. Williams held the woman hostage until she could produce $300 cash.

Lets bail this chick out of jail.

Does This Look Like The Face Of The Delivery Man For A Suburban Drug Ring?

Authorities say they've broken up a drug ring in Naperville, seizing cocaine and heroin and arresting eight people.
The arrests were made earlier this week after an undercover officer bought 4½ ounces of cocaine for $3,900, according to a statement from the Naperville Police Department. Authorities said the undercover officer started making drug buys back in March.
Four people were initially arrested and a home searched in the 2000 block of Bluewater in Naperville, police said. The others were taken into custody in Wheaton and Glen Ellyn. (http://www.chicagobreakingnews.com/2010/05/cops-naperville-drug-ring-busted-eight-people-arrested.html)

I'm pretty sure the shirt explains it all, look at that smirk...

Does This Look Like The Face Of A Man Who Killed His Neighbor After His Puppy Urinated On His Lawn?

May 12, 2010 (CHICAGO) (WLS) -- Neighbors say Charles Clements has always been proud of his lawn, but now the University Park homeowner faces murder charges after a neighbor's dog urinated on it.  Clements, 69, a former marine who resides in University Park, is being held on a $3 million bond. He has been accused of fatally shooting his neighbor, 23-year-old Joshua Funches.

Funches' puppy urinated on Clements' lawn. Mrs. Funches says Clements followed her son on his way home, pulled out a gun, and pointed it at him.

"The man raised up his hand and said 'I got a gun I'm going to shoot you,'" said Funches. "My son said, 'Mister, you should not pull out a gun unless you mean to use it,' and he shot him."

Clements' neighbors say that his lawn is his passion, and that he has won several south suburban beautification awards for its upkeep.

What a nut!!! I'm 23 and if I was out on tha block trying to get my stroll on with a pup- and he's gotta go- HE'S GOTTA GO. I watch people let their dogs take a dump on my building's sidewalk and all you don't see me pulling out my 9. And thats a real picture of Clements' lawn, pretty weak if you ask me.

Mailman Malarkey

2 great videos of NBA great (and 2 time NBA Finals loser) Karl Malone

Obviously the humor "Karl Malone's Body Shop" is unintentional, but that doesn't make the director's attempt at showing the Mailman crushing weights any less funny. The video actually looks like the bastard child of a drunken bathroom romp between Rocky IV and a Suzanne Sommers Thighmaster commercial. I can only assume that the director was probably high in his basement and was awed by the physical training montage, and just didn't seem to notice when the TV changed over into late-night informercials. He probably woke up in the morning and thought "I've got an idea, and goddammit this thing's a goldmine". I can only agree

I'm pretty sure the second video is from an unauthorized documentary about Malone's life, its just so candid. Who wants some squirrel pie? I know I do.

Don't forget kids, the Mailman always delivers

Nerd Porn

May 11, 2010 (CHICAGO) -- Playboy readers who can only imagine what it would look like if a centerfold jumped right off the page are getting new specs to help them see into Hef's world.

The magazine's June edition hits newsstands Friday equipped with 3-D glasses. Now the toy that has kids dodging dragons, meatballs and tall blue aliens at the movies will help adults focus on what is, at first glance, a very blurry Playmate of the Year.

"What would people most like to see in 3-D?" asked Playboy founder Hugh Hefner. "Probably a naked lady."

Hmmm....I may need more arms here...Are you telling me that its suppose to look like this pornstar in literally popping out of the magazine at me? How am I suppose to 1. hold the magazine 2.have my hand on my junk and 3.try to fondle a a 3D pornstar? What the hell if I lose the glasses, do I have to go squinty eyes?! You nerds are even making waking off difficult..

What Up East St. Louis

May 11, 2010 (EAST ST. LOUIS, Ill.) -- A southwestern Illinois man who authorities say trafficked more than eight and a half tons of marijuana over a five-year stretch has been sentenced to 11 years in federal prison.

Forty-two-year-old Ivory Manuel of East St. Louis was sentenced in a federal court in his hometown.

He pleaded guilty last October to conspiracy to distribute marijuana.

The U.S. government says the marijuana Manuel sold between 2002 and 2007 was worth $25.5 million.

First off, I can't believe East St. Louis is even considered Illinois- I'm offended. I've been there and its about as dumpy as Gary, IN (which also tries to associate itself with Illinois). Apparently they have more then scummy strip clubs, they've got madddd reefer! Next time all you Chicago Stoolies are down in STL trying to make out with SLU and Wash U girls, buy a blunt from this guy and do yourself a favor and have lunch at Pappys Smokehouse.